I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
