Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Who died my cat blue again?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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