Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He shit in the fireplace
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
