I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
