the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
