so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
