the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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