somebody snuck up and got me drunk
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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