Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
