This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
