From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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