I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
