You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
