Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
