Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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