I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
