i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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