I accidentally burped into my bong.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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