I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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