my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize