I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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