He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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