I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
