No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
