I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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