I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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