im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
