I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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