Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
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You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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