Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
