I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
