Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
