i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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