Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They took my balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
