Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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