Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
