But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
