My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
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Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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