Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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