My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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