Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
