I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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