His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
