Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
