I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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