Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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