He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
