New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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