Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
