he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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