My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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