I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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