You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
