My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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