Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
