so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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