i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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