Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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